Peering Back Into the Haze

I've been finding it difficult to finish my drafts over the last few months and it's only tonight that I've realized the reason why is an apt metaphor for the past year and a bit. I have a problem with expectations; I often set the bar at an unattainable standard which makes most of my life seem quite underwhelming. I won't go as far as to say 2020 was a good year for me but it was an important one, and I accomplished a lot to be proud of. While, of course, I want nothing more than to celebrate those milestones with my people but that wasn't and won't always be a possibility so I going forward I'd like to find more ways to acknowledge my efforts and achievements without the external validation I so crave. I think, with a different outlook, I would have been significantly more content for more significantly more of the year had I not been comparing what was to the physical impossibility of what could have been. Would my year have been better if I'd actually gotten to enjoy my grad ceremony and fuck around in Berlin? Probably. Would I have felt better about what I did get to do if I'd have put that fantasy out of my head much earlier? Absolutely.

Sitting up now, at the earliest hours of the first day of this new year, has granted me clarity that has eluded me for most of the last one. I did well by myself this year--with the notable exception of caring for my mental health. I've really grown into my style as an artist; I've taken some excellent images over the course of the year and have one more project to post before moving on to the next set of big challenges for myself. I started this blog and have found a voice for myself both politically and creatively. While I'm not entirely content with the quantity of works I've put out, I do think the quality has been to a very high standard and that matters most. The feedback from "Intimacy and Distance" especially has been very motivating in allowing myself to be more vulnerable and encouraging other people, and men especially, to be more open with themselves and the people around them. I'm thinking of posting shorter works more frequently and perhaps put together some kind of multimedia story / photobook.

On December 31st, 2019 I was 6 days out of a train-wreck of a relationship and that was all the time I had to process that experience before it was time to start preparing myself for a six course grind to finish school. I graduated university at 20! Four As and two Bs despite all the mess. That's wild y'all! I know the homies are prolly sick of hearing it from me but honestly the weight of that really only hit me tonight.

December 31st, 2020 I spent the morning on a call with my extended family then the early afternoon have a consultation with a potential therapist, and now the night reflecting on the experience. Any reasonable expectations I could have had for myself this year I exceeded and I owe a thank you to the wonderful people who've help me on all the projects and I have listened to me complain relentlessly.

To round out this monologue I'm gonna share a few standout moments of this year, some with photos and some not. If I get the dates wrong just keep it to yourself because timekeeping is arbitrary anyway.

At some point in January I met Ienelle and what a wonderful friend she's been since.

Then in February I met Jennifer who is a total sweetheart and is also a character. For reference, the night I met Jen was for a photoshoot and she had her titties out on my kitchen table with Jenna dripping hot wax on her. We also threw, "Booty and Bacardi," which was unknowingly my last party at 3115 which is a shame but also a good one to end on.

March to May was a blur and I almost got back with my ex so no revisiting that. But this pic of me shaving my head is cool even if I regret it. That being said, I did start talking to Sarah and Ireland who I have yet to meet but am very thankful for cause I would have gone mad without their company.

June was a fucking mess. It was a microcosm for the year for me. This was the big protest month which you can find my thoughts on here. The protest in Vic was a much needed trip seeing as I'd left the island in April without the chance to say goodbye to anyone. I started this blog It was also the BPP shoot which was a great experience. I also wrote the majority of the 'L9M' story that I'm just finishing this week.

July people said nice things to me and Ayo took this picture of these clouds which I'm very happy exists but also very upset I wasn't the one who took it.

The month of my birth was fucking weird, and it's all been downhill from there.

Happy New Year everyone.

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