I haven’t written much of anything in the past few months beyond the occasional poem here or there. I’ve been busy just existing and looking back at the few journal entries I have between now and then has reminded me of a few things. This whole post is just something to hopefully renew some kind of interest in writing for the sake of writing again--it’ll mostly be a meandering mess of whatever comes to mind. My goal is to get some words down and have them flow together well enough to justify my time writing and your time reading. Maybe we’ll both learn a little more about me in the process.
First and foremost, my life remains as tumultuous as ever. I have a jobby-job now which I enjoy but it also does not leave me with a great excess of time or energy to think about things. I’m really good at it which makes it fun but it also has nothing to do with the rest of my life so it’s far from fulfilling labour. I want to work on my book but I also don’t know how exactly to meet models when most everyone is stuck at home with COVID or stuck at home avoiding COVID. I am also very skeptical because I’ve seen people’s excitement to be part of the project disappear the second it comes to actually showing up for a shoot.
I’m at a point where I am genuinely entertaining the notion that I might not enjoy photography. Make no mistake, I am very good at what I do and I understand that I can communicate ideas visually with a clarity that I rarely see elsewhere. I have stories that I want to tell and photography is a convenient medium for now. Photos compliment my writing well but besides hearing the shutter slap, I don’t enjoy taking pictures. I don’t enjoy corralling a stable of people who will most likely flake without giving me the courtesy of a day’s notice. I don’t like scanning film, staring at a monitor for hours, or trying to post somewhat regularly here or on Instagram.
I hold great disdain for this city and the social culture that permeates through it. With or without the pandemic, it is so hard to meet people; this is coming from someone who goes out of their way to make time for new people.
This whole Re-evaluating Black Masculinity project is supposed to be my contribution to Vancouver before my inevitable departure but the more and more I try to make it happen, the less I feel like this city deserves any more of my energy. Being marooned here is so taxing. It would be generous of me to say that there are a dozen people here who I am invested in. I feel like I don’t get invited to things very often. I know I’m really picky about events and people but honestly if people invite me to things I’m not particularly interested in I will probably show up just because I respect and appreciate the offer. Community has to start somewhere. The work I want to produce makes my photography a collaborative medium but I don’t know anyone here.
I hold great disdain for this city and I can’t think of anyone I know who is happy here.
On the topic of my personal hell, it’s Black History Month which is actually a lot of fun on Twitter but otherwise is a very annoying time of year. It started innocuously then the Fairmont posted some very crunchy screenshots of my work. I have mixed feelings about my photos being reposted. On one hand, yeah, in theory, it’s cool to see my work on that kind of platform and I’m sure lots of other photographers would like that for themselves. I will say a large part of my apprehension is down to how low-res the images they posted are. I haven’t spoken to anyone from there since October when I did give them the okay to post my work but I was not told it would be saved up for the month of self serving Corporate Social Responsibility. I had an interesting day at the Fairmont when I did that shoot with Charity there. We were greeted by an distinctly unfriendly valet who seemed to be in a rush to get us out of his way. Other than that it was a cool experience. Got to see a lot of the hotel that I otherwise would never have bothered to see. I don’t like the photos from that day much but I’m told they are visually interesting.
On the other hand, I do appreciate them posting the little write up I wrote and plugging my website. I did get some followers out of it which, on its own, means nothing to me but it could if a few of those people find their way to my blog and learn a thing or two.
That all said, they really should have put a print in the lobby.
BHM is marching onward and it has reminded me of my disillusionment with political discourse. People who are just parroting buzzwords and dog whistles have convinced themselves that they are doin’ the work. I’m tired.
I want to do something fun. Here are some ideas sitting in my notes. If you see something you want to collaborate on then hit me up.
Sierra said I should learn how to sew and Matt said I should learn how to produce so if you have sewing or Ableton tutorials do send them my way!
And finally, here are some albums to listen to:
Blk Vintage by Blk Odyssy
Private Space by Durand Jones and the Indications
C.C.W.M.T.T. by Sean Leon
SIMBI by Little Simz
Bururu EP by Sema Sole
Untitled (Black Is) by Sault